As Family Day approaches....

As our "Family Day" approaches -- the day we became a family (January 31st); the day we came home with Elliot, some thoughts have creeped into my mind and given me pause.  Some call the day you take custody of your child "Gotcha Day".  At first, I found this cute.  You know, the day we "gotcha!"  But stop and think about that for a moment.  That day was probably the second scariest day of his young life.  The first being the day his relatives, the people he loved and trusted, left him at an orphanage.  A strange place, far from his home, where he knew no one, didn't speak the language, was surrounded by different children, was hungry, dirty, and terrified.

We have photos of the day we picked him up.  Those photos will make you cry.  They are filled with smiles, tears of joy, and happiness.  But make no mistake folks -- that is one absolutely terrified little boy who knows nothing of what his future holds except that people are telling him that he is supposed to instantly love these strange white people who he is now to call "Mommy" and "Daddy".  Yes, he will now have the "best" of everything.  He will have new clothes, all the food he can eat, fantastic medical care, education, a warm bed to sleep in, and a new family to love him.  But all he knows is that it is completely different from EVERYTHING he has ever known, and that is terrifying for an up-to-that-point, still-breastfeeding, little 3 year-old soul who just wants his mommy back.

So please, the next time you see an adoptive family out and about, just smile and tell them how beautiful ALL of their children are (not just the brown ones!)  DON'T say this:

"He's so lucky" or this:
"What a wonderful thing you've done for him" or this:
"How much did he cost?" or this:
"What happened to his REAL parents?" or this:
"I bet he's so grateful for his new life"

I understand that you are curious.  I understand that you MAY mean well.  But the children are listening, and his heart and his soul are still healing from a trauma that I sincerely hope you will never have to endure.  So have some tact and be gentle and thoughtful with your words, because I AM HIS REAL MOTHER, and I will take you out if you harm my child any more than he has already been harmed.  Believe it.

We will acknowledge the day this month that, one year ago, we became a family of five.  It has been an unbelievably difficult year.  It has been a year of attachment issues, learning rules, health issues, behavior issues, bonding issues, learning each other, adjusting to new brothers, and the list goes on and on and on.  We will tell our children why the day is special, and we will celebrate it quietly and with honor.  There will be no balloons, no cake, and no party, for that would belittle the loss that Elliot has endured.  We will light a candle for his birth family, and he may not understand it now, but it will be special to him in the future, and isn't his future what adoption is all about?

I will leave you with this quote that I read today:

"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" -- Rev. Keith C. Griffith, MBE.

The first time Eli saw me.  What does his body language say to you?